Monday, October 15, 2001
Hello! One has returned! Have you missed One? (Wait ... don't answer that question. Of course you have missed One!)
One understands that there may be a question or two about where One has been. Well ... actually, One isn't entirely sure about all of it.
One discovered, after having published columns to great acclaim, that said columns had been cancelled. One discovered this by reading the announcement of this cancellation in the etiquette trade dailies, as One's publisher did not have the courtesy to mention it themselves. Hmph! the NERVE!
In any event .... well, One must just gird one's loins and manfully state the facts.
One went on what One is informed is called "a bender". One isn't entirely sure how long it lasted, but when One finally pulled Onesself out of One's funk, One discovered that One's social secretary and also one's dear friend Gabriel had dragged the toasted etiquette maven to Europe for an extremely extended vacation, to travel and more usefully forget one's sorrows.
And, of course, Europe was lovely and ancient, and there were buildings with crumbly bits and paintings of saints suffering hideous fates and statues with just a tad more realism in certain areas than many men would appreciate. One also traveled briefly to the Orient before returning to Europe for one last swing through what one's social secretary insisted on calling "the fleshpots." Whatever that means. We even toured what he called "the dungeons of Amsterdam"! (Er ... One must confess that for some reason, One's memory is perhaps just the teensiest bit fuzzy on what exactly that involved. One has a vague memory of a large studded paddle, a leather g-string, and someone with manacles about the wrist and ankles yelling, "Oh, beat me, daddy, eight to the bar!" Also, large insertable objects seemed to be involved. The next day, One noticed a bit of chafing here and there -- especially there -- and soreness ... elsewhere. And Gabriel and one's Social Secretary had the most remarkable smirks on their faces ... If anyone out there has better memories of this incident, do not tell One! Some things are better left unremembered, yes? Yes.)
In any event, eventually, One decided to come back to One's friends and family. And lo! upon arriving back on friendly shores, One discovered that One's publishing contract had been renewed on thoroughly favorable terms. Apparently, One's public had been demanding One's return!
So. One is BACK. And ready to dispense advise to all and sundry. Especially the sundry. After all, they have the most need of it.
For the edification of future generations, One will be republishing one's past Classic columns along with the new ones, so that one's past wisdom will not be lost to the ages!
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(although One cannot imagine why you would want to obtain advice elsewhere.)
Emily Post Institute
